this is not working

i am just getting more and more sick and upset...
i have reached the point where i have to cut loose and the thought is literally overwhelming. i had to sit through the congratulations to my colleague today not burst into hysterics or vomit at the idea that someone who has helped me get to this point will not be here when i am in her position because i cannot stand to be with him anymore.
i know i cannot look at this as wasting 10 years of my life and i haven't, but suddenly the thought of him not being there is completely overwhelming.
i know that this entire situation is just overwhelming but i need to break loose before i loose myself...

... i started this entry a week ago and i know that i have done the right thing, but the doubt that sneaks in at times and the thoughts i obsess over at 4:30 in the morning are eating at me... i wonder if i will ever learn to just cut and run... the crap he keeps throwing at me to try to explain how i can just 'throw this all away' and how he wasted 10 years of his life... it eats...
i cannot wrap my explanation up in a pretty little bow... there is so many things off that have been eating at me for so long... why did i marry him? why did we get this house? i can only say i thought it was what i wanted at the time... some things i thought would fix holes i saw in our lives... bandaids on a dam...
why didn't i say something when i had doubts? i never trusted myself... i thought i was nit picking... i would let it pass and then forget how many times the bad outweighed the good...
i was wrong... i should have left a long time ago...
but then i think everything happens for a reason and i would not be who i am today if i made different decisions... someone reminded me of that the other day...
i just want to not be upset and sick... i know that is probably too much to ask...